“When the student is ready, the teacher appears.”
I have had this fire burning in my soul to write about my spiritual awakening.
I’ve always wanted to be vocal about this. I’ve always wanted to share my experience.
Maybe the feeling has gotten stronger because it’s Pisces season, or maybe there’s a need for someone out there to hear it.
One thing I know for sure is that everyday more of us are “waking up”.
Being “woke” has become a catch phrase. It’s something that is thrown around more and more but it’s also misunderstood by many of us.
I would say for me I’ve always had the power to be woke, as we all do. But the fact that I’m an Aquarius, with a bunch of Pisces and Scorpio in my chart. I know that being on this path of awakening and awareness is the path for me. But the road to getting here and continuing along this route is work. It’s deep and it’s the ultimate metaphor of pealing away the layers on an onion one by one.
This is part of my story.
This is where I grew out of my subconscious and became conscious.
This is where I started to heal. Heal from my past. Heal the lineage of my ancestors and pave the way for future generations.
Growth isn’t linear and it’s uncomfortable but it’s also breathtakingly beautiful
I just want to be happy, healthy and full of life.”
This became my mantra as I grew more and more uncomfortable in my own skin. I realized I was in an ultimate state of depression. I was lost constantly wandering into the darkness unable to find the strength to pull myself out.
I heard this quote one day. It ran through my mind and every day I said it over and over and over again. (I didn’t even know WTF a mantra or affirmation was at the time ps.)
I was living in Whistler. I had lived here for two and half years. It was a beautiful place. It gave me a place to play and run away at the same time. It gave me a place to learn new ways of life. It gave me a different perspective.
But I started to make choices that would soon lead me down the path of my awakening. I didn’t know it at the time. I was living subconsciously at every level.
I was selfish and made decisions which hurt others. I was in the sinking black hole.
I was poisoning my body with alcohol. I was partying a lot and not giving my body what it needed. My heart would race faster then I could breathe from the moment I woke up in the morning. My anxiety was at an all time high. I wasn’t myself.
This all happened around the two year mark of being there.
I was resistant on the change my soul was wanting. I didn’t want to leave – I wanted to stay the same but not feel sad all the time.
I was surrounded by so many people always. I had friends that felt like family.
I worked for a family who made me feel part of theirs.
I got to experience life in Whistler.
But I wasn’t happy anymore… I was met with the ultimate rock bottom.
One day a friend said to me “Court, you’re not you anymore.”
I had a panic attack at work.
My best friend who I lived with left the country.
I moved into my friends closet for 3 months. (Whistler housing crisis)
I was in a toxic type of relationship.
I had some serious health issues hiding below the surface.
I cried every single day.
Something had to change.
Within a month I somehow let go of all control and just decided I was done.
I quit my job. Booked a one way ticket to Australia with $1500 in my bank account.
I had absolutely no idea how this was going to pan out but I had to go.
I got ready to leave my life of the past two and half years.
I truly thought everything would just work itself out when I got there. I just knew I had to go but didn’t have a plan.
Little did I know at the time that I was going to be tested beyond belief. That the pain of the rock bottom would continue while I was there.
I walked onto the plane and as I was in the tunnel ready to board my flight- I got a call from the drs office. They said they had gotten my test results back from my latest Pap test and they weren’t authorised to tell me over the phone what the issue was but they advised me to have surgery as soon as possible.
At this point I was fearful. But I actually didn’t even care anymore. It was easier to not deal with it. To not deal with one more thing. So I ignored it.
The feelings of flying over the Sydney Oprah House to the running hug at the airport from my best friend took over my body. Everything felt right. It felt good for the first time in a long time.
It took me a while to find my footing in Aus. I was lucky enough to get to stay with my friends family. They helped me grow and helped push me to conquer the dream that I originally came there for.
One day it hit me. This loud voice in my head said, “YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS.”
I cried and thought it’s time.
So with the help of my best friend and her family I found the courage to go to the dr there. I had to have surgery. I had to tell my parents what was going on. It broke my heart to explain the situation. It felt so uncomfortable. I felt helpless. I was hurting- still in another place in the world.
I had the biggest support team. My family helped me pay for the surgery. The doctors helped me out and they were an amazing medical team.
All I remember is thinking this has to be the end of all the bad stuff- it’s just has to be. Something good needs to come next. How much more of this can I bare?
And soon enough, there it was.
The vision that I held of Australia came true.
I got a job on an Island in the Beautiful Whitsundays.
I worked in a kids club. I lived on this island.
I left Sydney and sat in Airlie beach for a week by myself. Little did I know that it was integration time. I was at the end of my finances but I sat on that beach and felt the feeling I had been searching for.
I finally felt free.
I felt pure happiness rush over me. Nothing else mattered in that moment.
I moved to the Island a week later and was met by these vibrant sun shining faces. A community. Everyone smiled at each other and asked how you were doing. They were excited to meet new people.
They ate dinners together.
They sat together.
It was clear to me that they were a family.
A family I was about to be part of.
I felt like I could breathe again.
I met people who changed my life.
They became the teachers that I needed. I learned about life. I learned about spirituality. I learned to love myself. I learned what the power of community could do. I was financially abundant. I was eating more than one meal a day again.
I was physically pushing my body to new limits. I was in complete alignment with my soul.
Everyday I learned something new. There were still days that were uncomfortable and things popped up for me to deal with. Some days I missed home and my people from home and Whistler. Some days I would cry because of this, I just wanted to hug them.
But my life changed immensely from this experience. I spent 6 months of my life on an island in the middle of the Great Barrier Reef learning to love myself for who I am and forgive myself for the past. I let the ocean heal me and let the teachers who came into my life wake me up to my potential.
This was the beginning of my spiritual awakening.
I’m still constantly growing and evolving and 2016 and 2017 presented a lot of different challenges that forced me to stay “awake”. To listen to the calling of soul. To make decisions based in kindness. I was constantly met with “how badly do you want this?” Tests from the universe.
My life is better because of this.
I see things now from a higher perspective and I am able to live in a place of gratitude for all the rock bottoms I faced at this time in my life. I think it taught me how to be strong while also being soft and how to be vulnerable. It gave me the power to begin to heal from so many old hurts that I had been running away from. I realised how loved I really am. How to trust strangers. How to accept help from others. How to follow my path and be patient with the process.
I’m still learning.
It’s always going to be a healing journey.
There’s no final destination – I’m learning this.
There’s just always going to be another layer that needs to be looked at to be peeled away.
The journey of self awareness and conscious creation is my path. It’s where I feel at home. It’s where I feel connected and it’s where growth occurs.
I’m always going to be learning to grow.
Remember that being “woke” isn’t always butterflies and crystal balls. It’s not always sitting on the top of a mountain meditating and no responsibility. It’s uncomfortable. It hurts really bad sometimes. It feels like your heart is breaking open over and over again.It also feels like becoming a butterfly.
It’s yin and yang.
Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Trust the timing of your life. And be the parent to your inner child while your growing.
And please remember if you are waking up – I’m proud of you! Be proud of you too. You will see the world with a new lens. You will feel things deeper and experience more than you could ever imagine.
Breathe into the unknown and allow yourself to be.
Connect to you.
Be the conscious creator of your life.