“Sometimes I miss that girl.
Sometimes I miss the wander that she possessed.
Sometimes I miss the carefree attitude she took on board while she walked through life without a care in the world.
Some days I miss how her spirit was lost but she found her way through being playful and fun in every aspect of her life.
She found herself in amongst being lost on a path that she had no idea about.
She found herself while experiencing life in all its forms. By putting herself out in the world of unknown opportunities. She threw herself off of cliffs and dove head first into places that were foggy. But she did it. And because she did it she found herself.
She found herself in the nights that were drastically different from what she experiences now. She found herself in the dark night clubs with loud music, with drinks that easily slid down the back of her throat. She found herself in the laughter that happened effortlessly until 4 am. She found herself when she did it all over again.
She found herself when she was down. When she was in the darkest parts of her soul. She found how to love her body through shaming herself and not eating properly. She found herself from allowing mistreatment from others. She found her worth. She found herself every time someone didn’t choose her. Because she learned to choose herself. She found herself through heartbreak. Through those days of laying on the ground in absolute disbelief and a shattered heart. She found herself in her strength. She found herself in her ability to love and love massively. She found herself when she accepted her emotions. Her powerful heart.
She discovered herself.
Her power came from this sense inside of her she hadn’t ever realized until this day.
She didn’t know she was powerful.
She didn’t know she was a superhero.
She wasn’t aware that that power inside of her was her superpower.
She didn’t know until right now.
Now she sits here in amazement of how far she’s come. She’s amazed about her path. She’s blown away by her strength. She’s proud of the woman she’s become.
She looks back in amazement and finally recognizes how powerful she actually is. She’s proud of herself. She’s proud of that girl who was only trying to find herself.
She’s incredibly proud of her choices. Her faith. Her voice. Her ability to speak her truth. To stand alone. To stand in a crowd and hold her head high. To stand with confidence in the woman who she is becoming. To stand authentically in the woman who she is.
She is you.”
I wrote this on August 11th 2019.
Feeling the vast change around me slowly seeping into my consciousness and making me feel more alive.
I reflected on how far I’d come.
On how everything I had been dreaming of was in my hands- I was holding my dream.
Literally and figuratively.
It was amazing.
I remember thinking “what did I do to deserve this?”
The truth is, this thought has ran through my mind multiple times throughout 2019.
For all the good things that have happened and all the bad.
“What have I done to deserve this?”
What I’ve come to realize is that with every good or bad, it’s an invitation to meet myself deeper. On a new level.
To see myself in a new light.
This year has been full of that.
This year has been filled with Blooming.
I’m 28 years old.
I’ve experienced a lot thus far.
A lot of transformation.
A lot of epic failures.
A lot of heartbreak.
A lot of love.
A lot of wild experiences.
A lot of soul lead adventures.
But moving into this next year, next decade…. feels different.It feels like a HUGE reset. Almost like a brand new life.Like I’m on the verge of becoming someone whom I’ve never met before.
I’ve seen glimpses of her. But I don’t know her.
As I write this today the sky is filled with New Moon Energy.
Something that I connect with deeply. The moon is in Scorpio at her darkest point. This one is deep. It’s incredibly transformative and brand new in every way.
The last few months I have been met with emotions from the past, from the present and if I’m being honest – probably from the future. All anticipating what’s lies ahead.
The emotions I once repressed had to come to the surface. They needed space to be seen and to be held. To be looked at.
I had to feel them no matter how hard it was.
I felt grief, sadness and loss.
I felt so much love and gratitude.
Walking into this new moon phase in anticipation of what’s to come, I realize all that I have felt was because I needed to let it all go. I needed to let go all the old stuff that was holding me back from playing bigger. All that was keeping me small, stuck and stagnant. I realize that the things that came my way so far this year were all mirrors. Shining lights into the directions of the future. Showing me what’s possible, all through getting me to dig deep I to my subconscious and purge out what’s no longer serving me or helping me get to the next point in my journey.
The universe can be a little stinker that way. ( yes I said stinker )
We’re all here to learn.
That’s what this life is about.
We learn through hardships.
Through rock bottoms and the climb to the tops of mountains.
We learn through others.
Through people and their personalities.
Through feeling love, rejection, loss.
We learn through others who we desire to become ourselves. What we like and what we don’t. Our values, beliefs and patterns.
The whole time we are blooming.
Blooming more fully into the most US we can possibly be.
Collecting our puzzle pieces that fit along the way.
So where does this leave us?
Well, if you’re anything like me- you’ve felt similar energy this year. You’ve felt the roller coaster ride of beginnings, middles and endings.
You’ve felt the contrast of EXTREME HIGHS and LOW LOWS.
We’ve felt it.
We’ve done our part in helping to heal it.
And now, now the universe is ready for you.
Ready for you to finally close the door to the past and walk full fledged into the future. Into the future that you’ve been so excited about creating.
You already know what that means for you.
Deep within you know.
You know those big dreams that are screaming your name. Open that door. Walk that path. The good things from this year, they were your clues on what comes next. The unfortunate things, they were showing you where you were holding back. What had to be healed so you could move forward.
So to quote the one and only Justin Timberlake “the old me’s dead and gone.”
The new version of Courtney.
She’s someone that I’ve started to meet.
I’ve started to see perks of her come out and rise to the surface. She’s still healing a lot and feeling things incredibly deeply as she births herself into this existence.
The old Courtney.
There’s parts of her that are morphing with the new. There are parts of her that are having trouble letting go. There are parts of her that want to grip on, because she can’t see how letting them go will help. But that’s where the new Courtney steps in.
I am a person who values growth.
Who’s gone from a girl in her 20’s navigating the world trying to find who the heck I am. Where I fit in. Where my voice is. And how to use it.
I am now an almost 30 year old woman, still finding herself but somehow more confident in who I am today. More myself than I ever have been.
More okay with being the most authentic me.
I’ve let the version of me go who chooses emotionally unavailable people into my life.
I’ve let go of the beliefs that I am not good enough, or I’m just average.
I’ve stepped away from patterns that were based in low self worth.
I’ve cultivated the knowledge and soul based understanding that when I jump, when I choose bravery and follow my heart- that’s where the magic happens.
I’m ready for this version.
She’s bold. She’s beautiful and shines her lights and gifts on everything and everyone around her. She has a warm, sensitive and open heart. She’s vulnerable AF. She’s a leader just by being herself.
She uses her triggers as teachers.
She’s in love. With herself and with the guy she’s so patiently waited for.
She says yes to opportunities that light her up. She says no to what drains her and makes her soul cry.
She gives. She receives.
She’s powerful in every way.
She’s kind. She’s home within herself and to all those she meets.
This is the path I’ve taken to me.
I’m ready to fully bloom.
To fully be her.
We’ve all been blooming.
Blooming this entire time.
You have bloomed into you.