Today, writing this blog – I’m somewhat at a loss for words.
I’m at a loss for words for a few reasons….
a) I can’t think of an appropriate title for this AND
b) because we’re in that space.
We’re in the energy of the old escaping us and feeling a newness arise.
It leaves me slightly at a loss for words.
… clearly not enough though, since I still have words to write this blog.
I played with the idea of calling this blog post “the waiting room” or “ taking risks and jumping off cliffs”
but neither of those options really encapsulated the exact point of what I’m trying to address.
So as of right now, this blog is ‘title-less’
BUT HERES WHAT I DO KNOW
I know that right now when I look around me and see the sun shining in, many people are receiving blessings.
The energy has begun to shift, there is an emphasis on wishes coming true.
I keep meeting with people and hearing their good news.
The flood of excitement they feel, I feel too.
I hear and see them in disbelief of what has come their way.
Like “could this be true?” and “WOAH, this is nothing like I expected.”
I think with this energy it leaves a bit of an unknown polarity to it.
I mean for me it does at least.
I say this for a few reasons, mostly because its a feeling that I’ve been experiencing.
The more that I see others flying high and watching their dreams come true and literally land in their laps…
I begin to wonder.
I begin to wonder…. When will it be my turn?
I start to question my path, and wonder if it’s going to be something that is amazing that happens in my life OR will I be met with yet another challenge, one that will bring me to my knees and I wont be able to get back up this time around.
One that will leave me in a position that is HARD to climb out of. One that will completely alter my life. One that means I have to sacrifice.
( funnily enough – Sacrifice was the card I pulled last week at the New Moon circle I attend every month )
You’d think though that seeing all these other people come out with Beautiful blessings would leave me in a state of pure optimism- but no. No it doesn’t.
It leaves me in a state of fear, anxiety, and also EXCITEMENT.
This is how I know I am growing.
This is how I know a breakthrough is coming.
This is how I know I am ready to bust through the solid ground and BLOOM already.
but…. from past experience I KNOW and have seen with my own two eyes, that it normally means ONE MORE BIG challenge before busting through and spreading my wings.
So yes- I am scared.
YES past experiences are making me worry, and I am finding it hard to surrender.
It’s like I’m in the waiting room at the doctors office.
I am waiting patiently for my name to be called, my heart is racing fast- but there isn’t anything I can even do. I literally just have to sit here and wait.
One by one everyone starts getting called. I watch as they go in, and come out with a piece of paper with a little piece of something that will help them, a little bit of encouragement and A LOT more clarity than what they came in with.
I am still waiting.
Why am I still here?
Why does it feel like I am the last one waiting?
Look, we could look at this in two completely different ways, and A LOT of people have been giving me signs and messages that I need to choose the more positive and optimistic view point, but there’s a feeling within me that says theres going to be an massive unexpected change that FORCES me down this new road.
AND THAT MY FRIENDS SCARES THE CRAP out of me.
Maybe, just maybe this is going to be the biggest blessing you have ver received to date. Maybe it will give you feelings you’ve never felt before. Maybe it will be so full of ease and grace and light you up inside. BUT STILL change your life.
Maybe, just maybe it’s going to be hard. Maybe its the last test- the final crawl to the finish line. Maybe it will bring you to your knees and be hard but ultimately change your entire life FOR THE BETTER.
BOTH of these options have a few things in common.
They both are NOT up to me.
I don’t have control over this outcome. I have little to no say in how this plays out.
I have done all I can leading up to this point and I literally have to release and surrender and let the good old Universe meet me the rest of the way.
BOTH outcomes lead to me leading a completely different life than I am living right now.
I MEAN ….. That’s some scary stuff to process, BUT and this is a HUGE BUT, I am more than okay and willing to change my life.
I am ready to be my higher self. I am ready to live as my higher self, not just dream about her or see her in meditations. EXIST AS HER.
I know that means that I am transitioning and changing and becoming more of who I have always been but my outer world will now change to reflect all the work thats been done on the inside.
WHAT THIS ALSO MEANS… ( which also scares the crud outtaaa me )
is that the things that use to feel ‘good’ or COMFORTABLE will change.
They will become heavy and uncomfortable in my body and TO BE HONEST already have.
I feel an intensity of pulling away from many areas of life, places, things, you name it- they have already started to feel differently.
They just no longer feel like me.
I have ALWAYS been a person who values growth, but I didn’t have the language for it until recently. I actually understand now that I am a person who will CONSTANTLY be growing and evolving at a rapid pace, and yes I am aware it seems like a lot for most people, But… I am not most people.
I fight change, and I love it at the same time.
I am quite a paradox.
HELLO AQUARIUS LIFE.
So as I sit here and wait in the waiting room for my name to be called…..
I am trying to breathe. To continue with the things that I like. To keep my mind focused on what I’m building, and sit with a smile on my face filled with SO MUCH EXCITEMENT for all of you when you walk out with a HUGE smile on your face because you finally see and feel your ships coming in.
We’re so so SO close. I can feel it.
cheers too the surrender.
“Patience Darling, You’re getting ready to fly.”