Months before this pandemic arose I felt something deep conjuring inside my bones. It hurt like hell every day. A heartbreak that I couldn’t wash away.
I couldn’t put my finger on what it was that was coming yet I felt it so deep through this gift of inner knowing.
I cried, I bled, I wished for brighter days ahead.
I realize now what I was feeling was grief. I was feeling a sense of loss of leaving a life I once truly and deeply loved.
Grief is weird.
It can happen through pivots of moments in our life. What we’re experiencing now is nothing less than just that.
A Collective grief which comes in waves.
Through discomfort, disbelief and a flurry of change.
Life will never be the same.
And maybe that’s okay.
Maybe this time we’ll use this space to welcome a much needed new system we crave.
What I’m beginning to realize is that through all of this shifting my personal journey of grieving started a few months back when everything inside of me started to feel old stagnant and fuelled by old stories needing to be realized, witness and finally released.
This time I see the power in this.
As now I feel I’ve come to a point where my body can rest.
Emotions are powerful they need to be let out. Whether it be anger, obsessions, rage or doubt. The happiness too and the joy we feel it’s an indication of what’s meant to be healed.
When things fall apart it hurts – that’s no shock to anyone. It doesn’t feel good and often becomes something we try to deeply avoid at all costs.
A few months ago I fell to my knees. I felt broken and bruised and so far removed from the girl who would give smiles for free.
I was sad and unsure of the life I wanted to live and questioned if this path I was on was the one that was meant for me.
After going through somewhat of a break up I was left feeling things I swept under the rug from relationships in the years that past. My wounds resurfaced and we’re calling me to pay attention. But man, it was filled with distress, emotions and feelings of battered unworthiness. Memories from the past came up again leaving me in many old puddles of what felt like abandonment. Every day was different yet felt so dark. My biggest lesson and blessing was to just sit in that dark. To surrender to a feeling that felt like it was eating me whole. I somehow knew through all of us there would be a bucket of gold. This was my catalyst for growth for a life ready to unfold.
Days and weeks and months went by and slowly but surely the darkness started to subside.
Today as I write this and reflect on that time in comparison to now …. it somehow brings me a sense of joy. Of peace. Of stillness. Of finding my truth. Of believing that my darkness was my living proof.
The living proof I needed to remember that being Bravely Beautiful comes by freeing the wounds from inside of you.
Months ago I wanted a new life.
I wanted to move to a place that was mine.
I wanted a relationship and to fall in love.
I wanted to move past all these god damn inner blocks.
The last 9 months have been a loop of transformation and that of upheaval putting me on this path of a brand new direction.
Today I realize that the darkness I faced was actually me being planted in my brand new phase.
I craved sunlight and a chance to just feel alive. I almost feel guilty now for finally feeling this at a time the world moves through deep world wide frightening transformation.
For me, I feel like I can breathe.
I feel like for the first time ever I get to do more than merely just try and survive.
I feel like my buds are starting to bloom.
I feel like maybe I’m here to help the world transform.
The root of the flower needs time, and space and an environment that’s new- in order to grow, in order to see it’s true bloom.
We’re all being planted in the darkness of this new age 2020th-century womb.
There isn’t much more to say other than I encourage you to feel. I encourage you to use this time to get as uncomfortable as it is possible to feel. And I know that’s hard and I know it isn’t fair. But trust me when I say there’s a magic there.
Feeling is deep and a beautiful power.
This new world needs all the healing that it can and you my dear, hold the power in your hands.
Through the darkness, through the storm, there’s always someone ready to transform.
Welcome to the rebirth of a life unimagined.
this piece came through me the other day walking along the beach. In reflection I felt a sense of peace and surrender wash over me. I want to say though, that I remember how hard it is to see the light when you are moving through the darkness, the struggle. This piece I’ve written isn’t here to trigger anyone or make anyone scared. It’s just a reminder not only to myself but also for the reader to see the dark days always get better. – Courtney