into the abyss…
I have been sitting her curiously wondering why I am having such a hard time being connected to my intuition. I have been feeling a sense of weird discomfort as I sit and try to plan for the future. I can’t describe it but it doesn’t feel quite right. Like something is preventing me from doing so.
It feels frustrating.
To not be able to plan.
To not be able to DO.
You see for the last few months, although we have been granted some space to move a little slower and drop our “norms” we call routines in this daily life…. I am starting to realize now- that isn’t what I did at all. I and many others I am sure, especially our first responders. They, we, I worked daily and into the night. We shifted quickly. We moved fast. We learn and we came out sweaty and out of breath. And now as I sit here I cannot help but wonder, where has my intuition gone? Why is it making my mind wander?
This space feels scary. It has so much room for fear to rush in.
I guess I should preface this blog with some insight. I, My friends, took a really big leap. One that has required me to muster up all the strength I have inside. One that is requiring me to use, to feel and to move forward with only everything that screams hope and faith. I have decided to take a big scary leap. (more on this to come in a later blog)
This leap has catapulted me into the abyss. Into a space of what feels like nothingness.
It’s so weird being here. Quite honestly I don’t remember the last time I was here.
It is leaving lots of room for self-doubt, although I feel like that is a recent hump I have found a way to move around. Now more so the imagination is playing tricks and I am constantly wondering is this my intuition or in fact my imagination.
I think this is the space of the unknown. Where things and ideas fly through our minds causing us to question the life we have always known. It is VERY scary to be here, well because of its space we aren’t ever taught to be. We are never really even granted this opportunity.
While many around the world got the chance to sit with their thoughts, while some baked banana bread and watched as Netflix turned on and off… some of us were climbing mountains. Some of us were working our butts off. Which meant there wasn’t time to process and instead had to move at lightning speed ahead.
So now as I sit here and write this blog, I’m sitting in a place of unknown dialogue.
I have been climbing a mountain for what feels like the last few months, and yes – you were all there too. But now that I am in this space of “nothing to do”, it feels weird. It feels unknown. It feels like a transformation is taking hold.
All the things I normally love, aren’t catching my attention quite as they should.
I feel content, peaceful and in ease. Yet I can’t move quite forward yet, so I am not sure how to be.
This place is funny.
It feels empty here.
It feels like I’m in a room where everyone disappeared.
Yet I feel like it is okay for me to be here like I have to be here.
The room of unknown.
The space of abyss.
The place in which I can’t seem to figure out what is next.
Big transformation takes courage and gumption.
It takes climbing big mountains, ones where you often can’t see the completion.
I’ve been climbing for a while, on the go and feeling like my speed has been on ready, set go. The stop, the space of nothing feels almost foreign.
Like I should hustle. Like I should do what it takes to just keep going.
Yet I know it’s important to let the dust just settle.To allow things to fizzle. To allow this space to fill with beautiful budding and blooming flowers.
It is a weird place to be after such a steep climb.
One that has really just blown my mind.
So my schedule is clear, and it doesn’t FEEL right to push forward just yet.
So what do I do you may ask?
I stay here.
I sit in the stillness of discomfort.
I allow the space to reveal its purpose.
In a place that feels foreign, I know THAT is where the growth is.
So I stay. I stay until my intuition tells me another way.
This space is filled with discomfort yet also a wide range of upward possibilities.
What would you do? Would you choose to stay?