What I didn’t show you on my ‘highlight reel’…..

I have been feeling the pull to really write this blog. I also realized that my writing has changed in the past few months as I moved away from sharing a lot of my own stories to sharing more intuitive insight and energetic updates from the cosmos. 

But today, today I knew I had to come to a place and write these words. 

It has become very apparent that we are all in one of the greatest awakenings of all time, not just for me… but for us all. 

I am not a stranger to awakenings. I am not new to this whole thing.. But many of us are. 

I’ve talked about this before on my instagram many times. I have shared my experiences here about some of my own struggles. I have shared some moments in my life which have led me to one of my own great awakenings. 

Awakenings are not all love and light. They actually SUCK and are not glamorous like some memes say they are. Awakenings are filled with ups and filled with downs. They have winding turns and often look like the definition of “hot mess express”… **note to self always worth it in the end

This is something we often don’t see in others’ lives, because on some level we as a society a long time ago decided to only show the outside world the good parts of our lives. The parts that aren’t messy. The parts that aren’t vulnerable. The parts that make us feel naked to the human world. 

I will say.. We are getting better.

Slowly the world of vulnerability is becoming mainstream. It is becoming “acceptable”, which means so is awakening. 

We as humans all have a story and we all experience vulnerable and “awakened” moments in our lives which don’t always feel good. They feel unsteady and in turn become the vulnerable or soft part of us that we feel we need to hide away from the world. When we do this we actually build our shadow. When we hide parts of ourselves because we are ashamed and or insecure, we make our shadow side bigger and bolder making our true selves smaller. 

When we share, we offer connection on a deeper level. When we share we expose ourselves to the world around us. Yes, it can feel like we are standing butt naked in the streets, yet there’s magic here….FREEDOM if you will 😉.

The magic is that when you stand in your wholeness, your naked whole self, you give others permission to be their own vulnerable and naked whole selves. 

This is why I choose to share. This is why I have decided to do my best in all the ways to share the parts that are icky. The moments that are uncomfortable and some that even bring me to my knees. I want to be real. I want to show up as all of me. This is why I choose to share. I choose to do things in a new and different way. I have committed to building a social story of my life (aka IG instagram feed) that shows all of me. Because the world doesn’t need  more perfect. It needs imperfect humans showing up as they are inviting others to do and be the same.

There is a quote I love my Glennon Doyle and it says:

“You need to write from a scar and not a wound” – Glennon Doyle

To me this is the point of blissful vulnerable sharing. 

You see writing from the scar allows you to have compassion for yourself and share the transit. While it also allows you to hold space with deep empathy for another moving through a similar experience. Writing from the wound. Writing from the wound can be and feel messy. It is at that time that our writing can be fueled with feelings and emotions. It can be a release. But when it comes to sharing. Sharing with others who we love and trust with our wounds is important. Sharing with your community, or in our day and age the internet… a scar can help. A scar shows someone they can feel it and they can heal it. A wound leaves space for feeling. A scar leaves space for teaching and freeing. 

Today I am writing some things that I didn’t share. About experiences that have happened that got me here. I am writing from a healing wound. One that is scaring. One that has become a beautiful emotional stretch mark. 

What I didn’t show on my highlight reel…

I am constantly fascinated with the fact that we look at peoples follower counts and see them as successful and or “making it in the world”. I have done this. I know others who have done this. This past year I have looked too many times to count at peoples following count.

Humbled in this reflection I remembered the day I got to 111 followers on Bravely Beautiful Instagram. THAT was a cool day, a day that was almost two years ago now. 

Everything takes time. It all takes time. 

I have been working behind the scenes at my blog for over a year now and I don’t even have 1000 followers. I have written and created at least 10 things per week for the last year and half. My highlight reel didn’t show the amount of times I checked to compare myself to others. It didn’t show me screaming at my ipad and phone (where I used to write everything before I had a computer.) I didn’t show the arguments with friends as I would selfishly put this work before them. I didn’t show those things. 

My highlight reel didn’t show my intense heartbreak late last year. I wrote a lot of deeper poems and words but never came out and shared. I was dating someone (not for long) but it felt like it broke me apart. He was from another country and just like that had to leave and never saw him again after that day. I felt a deep sorrow that brought up all my old shit. I had been here before and never dealt with it. Some Days it literally felt like I couldn’t get out of bed.

I didn’t share the time where I was sent home from work due to panic attacks and crying spurts. 

I didn’t share the deep feelings of disconnection I was facing in a career path that I thought was always meant to be, that I no longer wanted to be part of me. 

I didn’t share the fact that I have been living paycheck to paycheck for years. Or the fact that I was working tirelessly feeling like I was getting nowhere. There were days where I would wake up at 2am, heart racing worried and panicked about how money would come in. 

I didn’t share the day I fell to my knees after buying 100$ worth of groceries. I got home that day and fell to the ground. I cried for hours and literally said out loud “I can’t do this anymore on my own, I need someone’s help.”

I tend to share the inspiration posts and words I need or have attempted to use to get me through. The fact of the matter is that it’s 100% not an easy route and there’s always something going on behind the screen of our instagram posts. 

I appreciate the posts that you can feel deeply. The ones that are authentic, real and of course at times aesthetically pleasing 😉 

There is always a story behind the screen, the mask, that you may have yet to see. 

Here is where I insert… #2020

Now in a time where we are all awakening perhaps it might be a good idea to learn to be a little more at ease with the vulnerable side of things. To share our hearts and our deepest emotions. To bring to life those dark, icky parts of us. Maybe the lesson in awakening is this. 

Maybe it isn’t about keeping things perfect and pretty. Maybe instead it’s about inviting in the complicated and the messy. Maybe it’s about learning to be both a masterpiece and a work of art.

Perhaps the highlight reel should simply become a place where we share the complexities that come with this humanly world. Maybe then we will better understand and hold a higher compassion for deep vulnerable connection. 

The list goes on of all the things I didn’t show. The freak outs. The panic. The emotions that some would consider a gong show…👍🏼

We literally all have a story.  We literally all have a voice. We literally all have a platform no matter the size. 

Every awakening looks and feels a little different. No two are ever like the rest. Yet they are so deep and beautifully transformative. 

Welcome to one of the biggest awakening of your heart.

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