trust fall…

“When I refer to ‘creative living’… I’m talking about living a life that is more strongly driven by curiosity than by fear.”

—Elizabeth Gilbert

Somehow I have found myself here again. 

Here at the beach amongst the ocean waves and the salty breeze. Here is where something magical always ends, begins and remains. 

I was walking here today listening to the book ‘Big Magic’ by Elizabeth Gilbert

I have found myself really intuitively listening to nudges and pulls guiding me toward certain podcasts, books and or music. Today it was Big Magic. 

Every time I hear a certain inspiring piece of art I can’t help but feel the call to create my own. 

To let words pour onto the digital piece of paper, to let my soul feel free. To me, that’s what it means to create.

Although I’m only on chapter 3 of this book, it’s already sparked so much. For starters, it’s acted as a sign pointing me in the right direction. It’s giving me a permission slip to just keep going. 

As much as I would love to continue on with what I’m learning so far in this book, I want to write about what’s really going on. I want to share where I’m at and why I was drawn to write this blog post.

I want to create magic…Can you guess what kind? 

Yup, ‘Big Magic.’ 

I have this desire inside of me which has always been there asking for me to create through my thoughts, emotions and feelings and do this in a way that others can see. 

I’ve always dreamed of inspiring others daily. In fact, I wrote that in my bucket list when I was just 17…. “inspire people daily.” 

(*insert beep beep sound cause I’m about to toot my own horn…I think I’m doing a good job at that) 

Yet here I am at the beach again, eating my salad I packed alone watching the waves come in and out and feeling the sun upon my skin.

I’ve done this before. I’ve been to this place. 

And every time it’s felt like this, something ends and then something new takes place. 

This is how I get walking here today. I had an entirely different plan for my day. But here, here was calling my name. So I listened and it feels this way.

You see the other time in my life that stands out in a similar way was when I was on a beach in Australia changing my own life in some pretty wild ways. 

It was then that I had just taken a massive leap. One that was filled with wild unknowns and an inner knowing to trust what I couldn’t quite yet see. 

I had no money. And I mean like, none. 

I got to that beach with $5, not even enough to check into my hostel. 

I went to the beach and sat in amazement. What I was looking at was a place I had only imagined. 

I sat there with my eyes closed and I felt shivers down my spine, somehow I knew I was going to be fine. I checked my bank account to see if I had gotten paid from my previous job, and sure enough there it was, $800 deposited to my name. I was elated and felt like I was flying… you mean I’m staring at this ocean on this island and I have $805 to my name….. COULD IT GET ANY BETTER I thought to myself? 

Surprise, it did… and way better!

I had no idea how my life was going to pan out yet, I had this knowing it would somehow. I had $800 to last me 10 days on food, accommodations, my phone bill- Somehow I did that. Do not ask me how 😅 

After that week of feeling blissful after sitting at a beach for a week by myself. I got the job I wanted an island away, where I was making more money than I ever had before. Where I lived in a place that was like a paradise town. 

I’m reminded of that time right now. Because as I sit on this beach again thinking the same thing…. how is this going to work out? 

I’m calm. I feel that inner knowing, that inner feeling calming me down. It’s my mind that wants to know, my mind playing tricks. My fear trying to steal the show. 

I have no idea how it’s going to work out. This time around I’m in the same situation with money as I was then as I am now. Except for this time, a lot more bills and a lot more responsibility, a lot on the line.

I’m down to my last bit of savings, and yes I am low key freaking out. I’m wondering wtf I’m supposed to do when I haven’t gotten any directions or pings to figure it out. 

This my friends is a scary place to be. It’s a scary place to be when you don’t know how or when you’ll be able to pay for certain things. These my friends are why people do not want to leap. This is why people choose not to take the risk to live a Big Magic kind of life.

It may seem irrational to some and quite honestly it is. It’s not very “responsible” to leave the comfort and choose your passions. It isn’t easy, it’s not the route that guarantees anything. So why would anyone choose this? 

Because choosing a life that society has deemed comfortable isn’t for me. It’s not for those who have big, crazy, scary, wild dreams. 

I feel squished, I feel squashed conforming to those roles, it’s like part of me dies when I allow myself to be small. When I choose to dim my light just to “belong”. 

So I choose this life. 

I choose to take big risks that defy the norms. I choose to fall, fail and get back up.  I choose to learn and grow from those times before and develop a relationship with my fear. I choose to live a life that’s filled with love, laughter, passion and feel everything I have yet to discover. 

But through it all the biggest reason I do all this is for the trust fall. 

I’ve learned who I am. Who I want to be. My values, and what brings me peace every day. I’ve learned my talents and my gifts, I’ve learned the things I downright suck at ( hint grammar and spelling- that’s two of them). 

Perhaps the biggest lesson of all has been learning to follow my intuition.

It’s because of these moments I can lay here today, in a calm and peaceful state as my mind tries to wander away. It’s because I’ve learned to trust myself that today I can say... I have no idea what’s going to happen but I trust in what I have yet to see. 

I’ve been here before, so I know I’ll be okay. 

Trust fall, the big magic way. 

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