FROM THE VAULT: the inward journey- written April 14th 2020

How my Solo Journey prepared me for this.

I have been feeling called to share a bit of a Bravely Beautiful piece on the blog lately. 
So here it is.

I have been wanting to clearly write about the elephant in the room.
I have been wanting to scream my opinion from the rooftops.
I have been wanting to say… I KNEW IT! I knew a change was coming.

But really, after sitting with this… and feeling the motions that come with the time we are living in, I wanted to offer a story. 
One that I hope others will find helpful and empowering while journing through this time.

And yup, you guessed it- it’s all about the journey inward.
The one to self. To self discovery.

The inward journey often comes at a time of what I now like to call “spiritual awakening”.
Which I havn’t always had words for.. but really- the world is going trhough a mass spritual awakening.
And we are here for it.. being invited to take part.

We are all expericning the emotions and waves that come with this.. and for some of us- it seems to be harder than for others.
and vs. versa.

I have been wondering why and relfecting on myself everytime someone asks me how I am doing..
And well – yes I have and do still shed tears and feel the grief of the fact that EVERYTHING is different and
the unknown of the circumstances DEFINETLy throw me for a loop… I am actually LOVING a lot about this.
And I truely belive in some ways I have been preparing for this. Like I have trained for this marathon and I AM
READY TO RUN IT… from my home of course and 6ft away from anyone else.

The last ten years of my life I have been searching and learning about myself, much like ALOT of people in their
20’s… but I feel like the fact that I did a lot of this SOLO, has in some way prepared me for this.

And yes I am aware that some people are introverted and some are extroverted.. I fall somewhere in between
but I do feel more geared toward introvert the older I get.

In the last 10 years I have learned about who I really truly am at my core. And that came with a lot of inward exploration.
It came with feelings I didn’t understand. It came with feeling alone a lot of the time. Lonely even. It came with heartbreak. 
It came with doubt. It came with learning all the things I DIDN’T love or like about myself.

But it also came with an amazing opportunity to learn all the ways I want to live. All the ways I do live that I like, that I love.

It came with intensity and feelings I cant even begin to express.
It came with bliss, breakthroughs, and blessed with with teachers, lovers and soulmates that my soul lead me towards.

The inward journey isn’t for the faint of heart… but stick with me for a minute.
because I know what you are thinking … “court how on earth could you say that to people who don’t like to be alone?”

This is what I would say…

You do not have a faint heart.
You have the ability to sit with it. Sit with all of it.
You have a strong heart, one that wants to be held by you.
You have the ability to go inward and journey down the path solo.

Every single part of me knows how hard this is and how hard it is to sit with and accept uncomfortable feelings.
It really sucks, and it is honestly can be SO painful.

But the inward journey helps,
It helped me. And it can help you too.

For me the inward journey has meant travelling alone, walking the streets of Bali and fleeting to new places in Australia where
I didn’t know many people at all. It also meant sitting in my room alone after work and diving into personal development workbooks
and videos.

But it has also looked like laying on my floor crying uncontrolablly wonderng when it would stop, wondering why I codln’t trun it off.

And sometimes it looks like dancing around my kitchen, siging so loudly in a bubble of bliss.

Regardless, through all of this I have learned so many things I wouldn’t have been able to learn with someone right here, .
Someone here holding my hand. Someone here showing me how things need to be done. I had to go inward. I had to go to
the depths and explore a world that I never knew exisited. It needed to be explored.

Why?

So I could get here today.
So I could have the ability to sit alone in my room for hours, days, weeks on end and feel comfortable with who I am.
So I could find the creative soul burried inside who was dying to come to life.
So I could learn and lean into actually loving myself.
So I could start to live a life that I actually want.
So I could choose a partner who isn’t discovered through my wounds.
So I could believe in my dreams. 
So I could be me. Fully me.

Going inward isn’t always fun- no.
It does bring up a lot – yes.

But oh man, its beautiful what you discover when you start to dig out the old stuff hanging out in the closet that you just
simply do not have space for anymore.

So this is me sharing a bit of the realness behind the inward solo journey I have been on for the past few years.
The one where everyone has wondered and asked why. Why I am still single. If I am lonley. And defiently worried
about my sanity … ( which okay- ill give them that one)

I wouldn’t change a minute of it.
Not a minute of the pain, the suffering, the lonliness and wondering.

I understand my depths because of swam in my darkness.
I understand my beauty because I see my imprefections. 
I understand my heart because I feel my emotions.
I understand i am learing and always will be a work in progress.

I encourgae you to take this time to explore parts of yourself. Parts of you that you didn’t know exisited.
I encourge you to be brave. To dive deep. To feel. To see. To speak. To believe in yourself. 
To allow it all to surface.

And while you do.. know you will always, always be supported.
You will always be loved. And always come out the other end stronger and wiser than you were before.

The best part- you get to meet yourself.
You get to meet more of you, which means you get to meet others more fully too.

Dive in.
Red Solo Cup Style.

I’ll meet you there.

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